Attraction vs. Attention: Do I Like Them, or Do I Like Being Liked?

I think in this generation, we’re kind of obsessed with having a boyfriend or girlfriend—whether it's so we can tell our friends about it, add a little drama to our lives, or get attention we may not be receiving from friends and family. Because of this, I think we've become a bit confused about whether we genuinely like a person or simply like being with them. As usual, let's unpack it:

Why You May Like Someone Just for the Attention?

Attachment Trauma

Attachment trauma is the cumulative development of trauma within interpersonal relationships. This trauma impacts perceived safety in relationships but can also drive the intense need for connection. People with attachment trauma seek relationships but struggle to feel secure in them.

Insecurity

Insecurity refers to an ongoing state of uncertainty or anxiety about oneself. People feel insecure for many reasons, but this lack of confidence can cause people to look externally for validation and approval.

Fear of Commitment

Sometimes, commitment issues can cause someone to like another person just for attention. They may enjoy the benefits of flirting, connecting, and physical intimacy. However, they don’t necessarily want to take things to the next level.

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Signs You Just Like the Idea of Them 

• You only want to spend time with them when you’re bored or lonely 

• You find them physically attractive but aren’t quite sure about their personality  

• You feel drained after spending time with them 

• You are fixated more on whether they like you versus you liking each other 

• Your feelings fluctuate depending on your mood

• You’re hyped on their potential (or an idealized version of them) versus who they really are  

• Your interest in them is driven by how they make you look to others

I think if you find someone extremely attractive, it can sometimes make you believe you like them more than you actually do—you might just like the attention you're getting from them. Attention feels different depending on who it's coming from. Imagine someone you’re not attracted to giving you a compliment—it might feel nice, but it doesn’t necessarily stick. Now picture someone you are attracted to saying the same thing. Suddenly, it feels more powerful, more validating. That’s because the attention itself feels more rewarding when it comes from someone you admire physically. But that doesn’t always mean you genuinely like the person—it might just be that you like how their attention makes you feel.

The problem is that dopamine doesn’t differentiate between genuine connection and surface-level validation. Both can make you feel excited, seen, and wanted. That’s why sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between real affection and the rush of attention. Your brain is getting the same "reward," so it tricks you into thinking there's something deeper going on—even when there might not be. This is why I think emotional self-awareness is important, actually sitting down and reflecting on the root of your emotions.

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Thank you for reading, sources are below:

Gould, W. R. (2024, September 18). So, do you Actually like them or is it the romantic fantasy talking? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-know-if-you-like-someone-8675255

Love and the brain. (n.d.). Harvard Medical School. https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain

Lmft, N. A. (2024, September 5). Do I like him or the attention? ChoosingTherapy.com. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/do-i-like-him-or-the-attention/